CLUB GOSSIP: Undiagnosed, But We’re Pretty Sure

CLUB GOSSIP: Undiagnosed, But We’re Pretty Sure

The introduction of new North Carolina employment laws that require employers to give employees a personality test have revealed some disturbing facts about the Paddy’s Security Team. These tests are designed to help managers evaluate behavioral tendencies, communication styles, and teamwork preferences, but sometimes they also reveal peculiar habits and idiosyncrasies.

For instance, Robert blinks in slow-motion, Tony struggles with eye contact, and Kevin is non-verbal, relying on pictures to communicate. As a group, they’re even more fucked up. Paddy’s manager, Kelsey Sheppard, explained the test findings to The Oily Discharge like this:

“They’re all obsessed with counting things like calories. This supposedly helps in the gym when they’re jerking each other off. And they’re really into Legos and flashlights and looking on the ground for spare change. They also have this weird buddy system at the center of which is a private chat group where they discuss trains and different types of testosterone cream that’s applied by smearing it directly on their testicles.”