ROAST of the Month Erling Braut Haaland

ROAST of the Month

Erling Braut Haaland

aka The Predator aka Keano’s Redheaded Stepchild aka DSL

• Erling was born in Leeds, the largest settlement in Yorkshire, so he’s English from the waist down – which is why he pees on his balls.

• When Erling was born, his dad took one look at him and said, “Der er helt umulig at du stammer fia meg” – There is no way you come from my loins.”

• Like most Yorkshire men, he can peel an orange in his pocket.

• Actually, the Grand Canyon was created when Erling’s great-great-great-grandfather dropped a penny down a rabbit hole and started digging.

• “Erling is so ugly, he’s cute.” – the average American woman.

• “Please, Erling, give my wife a good pounding.” – the average American male.

• “He’s got a pretty mouth.” – the average American gay guy.

• When you’re Erling Haaland, you can collect handbags, veg out to Hannah Montana, and play with your nutsack on live TV without affecting your sex life at all.

• “Gordo vagabundo arrombado.” – Gabriel Magalhaes, Arsenal central defender.

• Erling is remarkably humble, grounded and incredibly authentic. He is a world-class footballer and a world-class human being.