ROAST of the Month: Mosheh Samson

ROAST of the Month

Mosheh Samson

aka Moses aka Rabbi aka Schemiel aka Schnook aka Mo aka Hairy Balls

• Mosheh Samson was born Hans Peter Gruber in Bavaria, Germany in 1976.

• He is one-third Jewish, one-third Palestinian, and one-third Lumbee Indian.

• His grandfather destroyed 12 war planes during WWII. He was the single worst mechanic in the history of the Luftwaffe.

• His great grandfather founded Samsonite Luggage and Accessories in 1910.

• Like his Biblical counterpart, Samson’s strength is in his hair, which is why he can never shave his balls.

• Due to being born in Germany, Moses is the only Jew in Fayetteville with fully intact foreskin.

• How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

• Voted “Most Likely To Change His Name” at Hoke County High.

• When he was 21, Moses was told by doctors – “You’ll Never Wank Again” – but they were wrong.

• Mosheh Samson is a gentleman, a scholar, a cancer survivor, a Liverpool fan, a good man, and a good friend.