Eddie Cauldwell aka Fast Eddie aka Clark Bent aka Perineum aka Crazy Motherfucker

• Former Clansman from Biloxi, Mississippi.
• Lost his virginity when he was 7 years old to a sex doll named Candy.
• He had a vasectomy when he was 8, but had it reversed a year later when he and Candy decided to have a kid.
• His first words to Debbie, his future wife, were, “Would you mind holding my beer while I take a shit?”
• His second words to Debbie were, “Thanks. Wanna fuck?”
• Debbie describes Eddies balls as “earthen vessels filled with heavenly contents.”
• Depression and guilt set in after every time he jerks off into Debbie’s sock.
• Pornhub does for Eddie what Lourdes does for humpbacks and cripples.
• If it was raining tits and ass, Eddie would get hit by a brick.
• Sometimes he feels like a mosquito who has caught malaria.
• Invented Eddie’s Fuck Brace, a knee brace that has helped thousands of men fuck well into old age.
• Eddie is a loyal husband, a devoted father and grandfather, a reliable friend, and a true and inspirational survivor.