BY Patrick Gibney

Gilbert Howell, the affable bass player from acts like Open Road and Joyner, Young, Marie, and Friends, has decided to give up Michelob Ultra and take up drinking Guinness, in an effort to attract a woman. “Man, if it was raining tits and ass, I’d get hit by a brick,” mused Gil, when contacted by the OD for comment. “I can’t seem to get laid, no matter what I do or say. It must be the Michelob Ultra.”

Various studies reported in the New England Journal of Medicine have shown that Guinness drinkers not only have healthier colons, but they have substantially better sex lives, something that’s not lost on Gil. “I’ve been doing my research,” he said. “Guinness is heavy, yeah, but I still have a full tackle box, and I’m still shooting live rounds, if you know what I mean. I need to rock and roll while everything’s still working.”