Jacob Ford aka Jake aka Oscar aka Ol’ Fussbucket aka The Snake aka Forrest Grump

• Jake is the human version of period cramps.
• He started going bald when he was 7 years old.
• He eventually decided to shave his head, so he would look like a dick too.
• He was really good at climbing trees until, “The Accident.”
• He makes his wife leave the door wide open when she’s using the bathroom.
• He’s a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
• He never forgets meeting people, but he keeps trying.
• If Jake randomly throws a stick while you’re talking to him, that means he wants you to leave.
• His serious face could make an onion cry.
• Close your eyes for a moment and try to imagine Jake with a personality.
• If you look up the meaning of the word, Curmudgeon, there is a photo of Jake.
• Jake is a loving father, a loyal husband, a faithful friend, an American Patriot, and very kind and patient with people who “know Paddy.”