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Employee of the Month

Jacob Ford aka Jake aka Oscar aka Ol’ Fussbucket aka The Snake aka Forrest Grump

  • Jake is the human version of period cramps.
  • He started going bald when he was 7 years old.
  • He eventually decided to shave his head, so he would look like a dick too.
  • He was really good at climbing trees until, “The Accident.”
  • He makes his wife leave the door wide open when she’s using the bathroom.
  • He’s a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
  • He never forgets meeting people, but he keeps trying.
  • If Jake randomly throws a stick while you’re talking to him, that means he wants you to leave.
  • His serious face could make an onion cry.
  • Close your eyes for a moment and try to imagine Jake with a personality.
  • If you look up the meaning of the word, Curmudgeon, there is a photo of Jake.
  • Jake is a loving father, a loyal husband, a faithful friend, an American Patriot, and very kind and patient with people who “know Paddy.”

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