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Dear Alice
Advice from an Irish Mother
Dear Alice,
I’m 18 years old and I just recently got my first real girlfriend. I really like her, but my older brother is making my life miserable. He constantly makes fun of her lisp, which really isn’t that bad. She also has a slight stutter, especially when she’s nervous. He loves to make fun of that, too. Also, she was born with a turn in her right eye. It’s called Exotropia. My brother says things like, “I can’t tell if she’s looking at me or seeing if the bus is coming.” He is such a dick. What should I do?
Gerald,
Lillington, NC
Dear Gerald,
You’re absolutely right. Your brother is a dick. I think you should ask to meet with him privately. When you have his full attention, calmly explain to him how much his remarks about your girlfriend are hurting you. Explain to him how much you really like her and ask him to please stop. If this doesn’t work, you will need something to force him to stop. Consider things like adding laxatives to his food, or adding hydrogen peroxide to his shampoo, or using a hidden camera to catch him masturbating or using the bathroom. You could also get into his email messages where you can send death threats or bomb threats in his name or get into his phone and send yourself extremely sexist or racist texts and post them on social media. Another idea is Hitman.com. It’s a place where you can register him as soliciting a hitman to kill someone. That’s an automatic investigation and placement on police watchlists. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Good luck.
Alice Gibney,
Dublin, Ireland
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